Dear D.,
It’s easy to tell someone they’d be better off alone when you’re not facing the prospect of being left alone. Keep in mind that even the worst relationships usually aren’t bad 100% of the time. I say that not to justify your siblings’ terrible behavior, but to encourage you to think about where your dad is coming from.
I’m going to assume that your dad has the capacity to make financial decisions, even if they aren’t good ones. In some cases, it’s necessary to seek court-appointed guardianship when someone isn’t competent to manage their money, though this is usually a last resort.
Reducing contact with your dad will only make him more vulnerable. The lonelier he feels, the more likely he is to lean into other relationships, even if they’re obviously abusive. Plus, the less you and your husband are around, the more opportunity your family has to manipulate him out of money.
Try talking to your dad when he’s calm. Tell him you hate seeing how upset he gets when family members take advantage of his kindness. Ask him to talk about ways you can prevent this from happening again.
One relatively easy solution may be to convince your dad to freeze his credit. That could prevent your siblings or anyone else from taking out credit cards or loans in his name, though of course it won’t prevent them from convincing him to fork over cash with more sob stories.
Suggest that your dad meet with an attorney to discuss ways to safeguard his money. You’re right to expect a challenge if your dad makes you the sole beneficiary of any assets, but a good attorney can make his estate planning as airtight as possible. They may also suggest that your father appoint you or someone else he trusts as power of attorney to manage his money and other affairs if necessary.
Your father may very well reject your suggestions. That will be frustrating since you’ve seen the same patterns play out so many times. If he refuses to make changes, tell him you’re not going to listen to him complain about people taking advantage. If he starts screaming or swearing, tell him you’re not having this discussion again. Try steering the conversation to a neutral topic.
If he still resists, tell him you’re hanging up the phone or cutting your visit short. Say you’ll call back tomorrow after he’s had time to calm down.
Set a firm boundary. Make sure your dad knows you’re in his camp — but also that you won’t tolerate his verbal abuse. You’re only willing to have this conversation if you can make it about solutions.
