Dear Anxious,
I suspect your boyfriend isn’t really against work as long as he doesn’t personally have to do it. He seems fine with his girlfriend being part of the proletariat, provided that you also make time to entertain him.
Your boyfriend has the luxury to make excuses because he has a backup plan. That backup plan is you. He knows that if he fails to deliver, you’ll find a way to carry both of you.
I was in a relationship that sounds a lot like yours for over a decade. What I learned is that it’s impossible to motivate someone else. When you’re in a relationship with one of these people, that means you have to work twice as hard. No matter how much you love the person, that leaves you drained — mentally, emotionally and financially.
What you can do is set boundaries. In this case, you can make it clear that you aren’t working any extra hours this semester. Your boyfriend will need to find a way to pay his share of expenses, as he agreed to for this semester.
Your boyfriend can stick it out at his current job. (Please don’t feel sorry for him if he’s not in love with his job after a week.) Or he can look for a different job. That’s his decision. Let him figure this out like an adult.
The hard part about setting boundaries is that there have to be consequences when someone violates them. So if your boyfriend refuses to work, you need to seriously consider ending this relationship. Or at the very least, you should live apart next year so that you aren’t relying on him for part of the bills.
I get how difficult all this is, given that you want to build a future with your boyfriend. But you need to secure a future for yourself first. That means giving yourself time to focus on your studies, instead of taking on extra shifts to pick up his slack. That also means making time to enjoy your college years. Between your school and work schedule and your boyfriend’s demands, I’m worried you don’t have much time left over for you.
You clearly have a solid work ethic. But your boyfriend sounds really immature. Sometimes consequences force a person to grow up.
Whatever you do, prioritize your own needs over your boyfriend’s comfort. He only gets to be part of your future if proves he’s worth it.
