Dear Parent Problems,
This house is a sinking ship that your father won’t leave. You’re not letting him rot by moving out. You need to get yourself and your kids to a safe place, even if he refuses to budge.
Your dilemma may seem like it’s about housing repairs. But I think it’s about so much more than that. Your father sounds like an enormously stressful person to deal with, given his propensity for shutting down discussions when there’s an obvious problem. Somehow, I think that even if you and your father moved into your dream home tomorrow, these conflicts would manifest themselves in another way.
I think you should start making plans to move out as soon as possible. Granted, that may not be so easy given how exorbitant housing costs are in some parts of the country. Even if you can’t afford to move right now, start saving as much as possible so that you’ll have money for moving costs and a security deposit. You may also want to check with the VA about housing resources for disabled veterans. But you can’t afford to make your father’s expenses a part of your budget.
You might not want to tell your dad that you’re planning to move until you’ve actually found a place to live. That may be hard because, ideally, you’d give a loved one as much notice as possible about a decision that has a major impact on them. But you need to do whatever you can to minimize the stress of your current living situation. Once you’ve found housing, you can notify your father of your plans.
Be prepared for a guilt-laden conversation. But be firm. When someone refuses to listen to words, you have no other choice but to take action. Your father probably will be shocked when you tell him you’re actually moving out.
Keep in mind that refusing to live with a parent doesn’t mean abandoning them. Even though your father has refused your past offers of help, you can tell him that you’re willing to assist in other ways. For example, if spending a couple hours a week at this home wouldn’t jeopardize your health, you could offer to help with a few chores.
I’m sorry you’ve used your savings on improvements to your father’s home. But those funds are gone — don’t use the money you’ve spent as a reason to stay in a bad situation.
And don’t let your father make you feel guilty about prioritizing your health. You and your kids deserve a safe place to live, regardless of his poor planning.
